me avec english

What do you do while riding a motorbike?

Huh? Do what? Focus on driving? Worried about showing up late? Tired of red lights? Frustrated by co-drivers on the street? Most of the time, right. But in the midst of all that, I can also do one more thing. Either singing or thinking rambling. Lately I always choose to sing. Cause it’s easier. 

What do I feel? That’s been a question hanging over my head. I like feeling, I like emotions. I want to get to know other’s, I wanna drowning in mine. But for quite a long time, I haven’t. I feel like I don’t have time for it, for my dramatic little girl. I keep observing, reacting, without any analysing or understanding. When things happen to me, I stop looking for answers in myself. One of my favorite authors on fb name Minh Đào had once a really cool writing titled “what do sorrow eat?” What sorrow eat? To me, it’s Minh Đào oppa’s writings, it’s movies of ultimate human psychology analysis. I’m searching for, craving for some lines or quotes to speak for my feeling, resonate with my kind of situation, as if there’s any related so I wouldn’t have to think? I’m not sure. But I found nothing. Like going without guideline. Heading without destination. Passive. Hopeless. I’m not sad. I’m not feeding sorrow. I’m feeding something that doesn’t exist, or isn’t something I can name it. I said, I like all kinds of feeling. Sad, happy, agony, angry, pain, overwhelmed. At least I could still get something out of it, right? I can get to feel it, to learn from it, grow from it maybe. But this, this is empty. I can name it now. It’s not just a moment of boredom. I have so much going on right now, a ton of work I’m not sure I’m able to handle. But still, the empty that get bigger and bigger room in my heart, creating pressure all over my body. I’m suffocated from inside. Like I’ve always been running without breathing. And I’m running out of air.

But the weather today is so nice. Allow me to slow down my motorbike. Seduce me to take a deep breath. Encourage me to take a rambling thought, then throw it behind to be carried with the wind.